“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.