this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.