this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
our love story in four pictures
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle