This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Boating season is upon us.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.