this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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Tremendous stuff
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
being a writer on Twitter:
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.