This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.