This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

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dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river


Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated



My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high


ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now


Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍


*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers


[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu