@MichaelVogel1 Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
@AndyAsAdjective This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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@MichaelVogel1 
@webofevil Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
@NYC_Blonde Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
@BernieBroStar Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
@daemonic3 Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
@NoticablyBacon Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
@rn_murse shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
@texasstalkermom Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
@emily_tweets Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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