@cheeky__gal It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
@AndyAsAdjective This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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@cheeky__gal 
@HushJared dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
@buitengebieden_ Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
@frankzulla Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
@XennDad My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
@liljonlovitz DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
@Michael1979 Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
@PretendMaker *into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
@envydatropic *Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
@TheHatStore [first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu