@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

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@HushJared

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

@frankzulla

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

@XennDad

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

@liljonlovitz

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

@PretendMaker

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

@TheHatStore

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu