@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

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@MichaelVogel1

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@NYC_Blonde

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

@BernieBroStar

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

@daemonic3

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

@NoticablyBacon

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

@emily_tweets

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

@knotta_tardfan

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