This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.