This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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