This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.


Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.


*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”


I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.



If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.



Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.


My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.