This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Dead sexy!!
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE