This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing