This is so me 😂😂
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I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
c’mon!
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.