“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
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Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Dead sexy!!
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.