“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.