THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
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Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator