this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
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ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Why is no one talking about this?!
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?