this is the best day of my life
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[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
constantly working on myself.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?