This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.