“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.