this is the greatest thing ever

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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.


“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list


The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror


Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.


No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.


Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat


[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*



*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?


I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’


My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.