this is the greatest thing ever
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.