@GirlyBibIe

this is the greatest thing ever

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@outsmartedmommy

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

@Kateness8

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@Adyaces

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

@Wakenbake77

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

@ThoughtOtter

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

@noog

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

@WifeEyeSignal

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

@jessokfine

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.