“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.


“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”


Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.


Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t


Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls


[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS


I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.


[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado


If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that