@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

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@MadHatterMommy

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

@gojarbe

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

@monigrms

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

@InternetHippo

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

@ShutUpThatsWho

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

@Marcmywords2

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@trumpetcake

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that