this is the most humiliating day of my life
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
That’s classic.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.