This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]