This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
*wins $1000*
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Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.