This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter