Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Living the best life.. 😊

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.