This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw