This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away