“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
next question.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture