This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
mumsnet is amazing
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.