this is uni
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.