This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.