this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan