This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Wednesday
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw