This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I just tested negative for patience.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping