This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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scares
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Shoo shoo! 😂
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The photographer’s assistant
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.