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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Breaking news:
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
🤣🤣💀
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.