this is what they would have looked like, though
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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.