This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.