This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.