“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.