This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you