This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them