This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞