“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Note to self: I am a note
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.