This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
constantly working on myself.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.