This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

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What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.


“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.


*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*


When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.


Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.


“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”


“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.


I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.


My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.