This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.