This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]