@ChaseMit My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
@ristolable This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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@ChaseMit 
@theshantilly Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
@Reverend_Scott Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
@HatfieldAnne Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
@Mr_goose007 I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
@capnwatsisname Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
@neiltyson Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
@Beatonm5 He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
@polyhumorous Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
@kuuuuuu *When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”