This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.


Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.


Me: *jazz hands*


Cop: Know why I stopped you?




Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no


Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.


I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.


Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.


He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.


Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.


*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”