@ristolable

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

You Might Also Like

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

@theshantilly

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

@HatfieldAnne

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

@Mr_goose007

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@Beatonm5

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

@polyhumorous

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

@kuuuuuu

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”