this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
what the
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.