This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
You Might Also Like
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey