“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
How animals would run if they were human
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.