this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I have a black belt in leather
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”